Your duty is to sanctify yourself. Yes, even you. Who thinks that this task is only for priests and religious? To everyone, without exception, our Lord said: Be ye perfect, as my heavenly Father is perfect. St. Josemaria

Monday, May 23, 2011

A Foe within A Friend

This basal thermometer is what I call my Foe within a Friend. Post warning: brutal honesty! About two weeks ago, we thought, this is it.. the temperatures goes up and I mean up. Finally after 3 years... what I thought was my answer to my prayers were coming true. Day one up, day two, etc.. Day 12 comes and its very up and that is usually my day that it drops and my dear friend is visiting again! Day 13 up again..

This is where my mind runs away.. I start planning in my head, due date, sex of the baby, how it will be to feel him or her move inside of me, to breastfeed again. The pure joy of having another child..

Day 14... the drop of the ball!! Yes, my friend, temp drops as if it was jumping of the golden bridge! Down it goes... as well as my heart!

The thing about NFP and charting.. you have too much information too soon. If I didn't chart, if I didn't take my temps., I wouldn't know the unknown.. makes no sense right.

But I think of again, what I do know that is sure. My four beauties.. My four corners of my heart, my children.

To fully trust in the Lord in all matters is what I think is the hardest thing in the world. Yet, I look into Our Blessed Lady's eye and She shows me the way, especially in this month of May!


Allison said...

This has been on my mind a lot. I've been wondering about you over these months and sad for the sadness you've written about, wanting to ask or give your hand a squeeze. You are such a wonderful mother!! I am praying for you.

At 46, and with the problems I had with my last pregnancy I have, in a different way, gone through my own longing and sadness. Friends have babies, TV commercials show babies and it brings back a sadness that that time is likely over for me. I share you pain in some way. How I'd love to have had more! My heart goes out to you.

Babies truly are a Gift from God! I ask Him to use my sadness... and my regrets....

God bless you dear friend! God will make it all perfect in His plans.

Gardenia said...

Oh, I understand your sadness and your desire to know and understand the will of God. Perhaps He has another child for you, and yet the pain of not knowing is so great. I know your ache of the desire for children, of the pain of not seeing it happen, and , as Allison said, of the regret for the years gone by that cannot be brought back. God gave me motherhood through adoption, and I thank Him every day for that. you are in my prayers, Cecilia.

Dessi said...

Ohh, sweet friend!!! I am praying for you and my heart breaks knowing that you are suffering. Love you and I will keep praying for you!!!

Cecilia said...

Thank you Ladies, for your words and prayers.

I think of you often also Allison and how tough this is for you as well.

I think of it as offering for my children here for their purity and their future husband/wife.

Many Blessing to all!

noreen said...

Hi Cecilia, I know well the roller coaster of emotion of wanting a baby and thinking all of the signs are optimal and then to have your hopes dashed! I will pray for you to have another baby if that's God's plan for you1 I pray that it is!

Raising {& Teaching} Little Saints said...

Not to sound crazy or anything but how about putting all the charting aside and just put all that time and effort in praying (which I'm sure you do) but I mean saying...Jesus, I trust in you send me a child if you so will it! After being diagnosed with PCOS and told we'd never have a child, we stopped charting and just started what my beloved calls Divine Intervention Natural Family Planning or DI-NFP for short. Like in potty training, we listen to our bodies...we also took a course on Creighton, so we only use that method (watching the discharge)...sorry for the bluntness...but really the only method we use religiously is DI-NFP...we have four more kids since using this method!!! Praying for your sister in Christ!